So, I’m getting married.
I’ve been pondering a question my American friends keep putting forward to me. How will I make sure that the wedding (to take place in California) incorporates Japanese traditions?
My mother’s solution to this quandry was to say: “Easy. Don’t register for gifts. Just ask for money.” I thought this was very practical of her and my fiance rather likes the idea, though we know there will be some, ahem, less traveled folks who will find it vulgar.
Another Japanese friend of mine said. “Ask all the men in your family to make long drunken and rambling speeches.” I explained that since many of the guests will be from Scotland, I imagine there will be drunken speeches, but most will be funny.
My American cousins suggested that I wear the full Japanese outfit. The truth is, though, I’m not sure I look so great in a kimono. I found this importer which recuts traditional kimonos into prom/bridal dresses. Something tells me, though, that this would look garish.
The officiant asked me for some kind of ritual he could incorporate. But honestly, I’d feel really wierd drinking sake in the middle of a wedding in California that doesn’t take place in a Shinto shrine.
I’ve been to other weddings, by the way, in which Japanese-American brides tried to incorporate “traditions.” But these nuptials invariably end up being performing art sessions which bore everyone to tears. And, really, when was the last time you went to a wedding in Japan in which you suffered through a koto demonstration, or some kind of folk dancing?
I proposed that my fiance and I periodically disappear from the wedding party to change into increasingly elaborate outfits, thus giving everyone a reason to take photos. Then I thought: how does a Scotsman wear anything more elaborate than a kilt? What would he change into that would up the ante (and not offend anyone)?
So, Japundits, here is your chance to help me with suggestions. If there are any ladies left here, I’d be particularly curious to hear from you!
First up, congratulations and good luck!
Second, yes that dress is garish. But don’t let that stop you. As a third change or something, why not?
And as for some folks thinking that giving money is ‘vulgar’, let them (as long as they do what they’re told!). Whose day is it anyway? Perhaps they might even be a little culturally enwisened (is that even a word?)
When all’s said and done, I wouldn’t worry about offending anyone. You only (plan to) do it once, and it’s all about you. If you can’t have your wishlist that day, when can you?
Congratulations. As for the idea of having guests give money, I say if it’s good enough for Connie in The Godfather, then it’s good enough for you!
Conratulations from me too. When we tied the knot in England my wife’s family showed up in kimonos but she didn’t. We thought that was a nice way to show the roots without getting too silly. Since we got married in a church we also had a Japanese priest to assist. That was pretty much it although I think we may have had a toast of sake at the reception too.
I quite like the money idea too but we didn’t think of that
Make sure you get married at the Town Hall. That’s sure to give it a Japanese feel. :p
Congratulations.
I fear I have only worthless advice to offer, such as:
Don’t get married on the day your sister-in-law to be is having a baby, forcing your future mother-in-law to miss the wedding.
Get married twice, once at the town hall, and once at the church. Then you can skip one of the anniversaries and not get into trouble over it.
Having the anniversary of the church wedding be the day after Christmas nullifies that strategy.
Seriously, it’s your day. Enjoy it.
I would incorporate the cash concept into the general ‘gift registry’ idea. The Japanese(-ists) guests will understand and will give money. Those who don’t understand that it’s a perfectly acceptible Japanese custom can still contribute couple-chosen gifts and not get a sour feeling.
Maybe once the traditions ideas are formulated, make up a great ‘Our Jap-am-ottish Wedding Traditions’ document (with photos) to show everyone how you’re going to incorporate Japanese, Scottish and American traditions and what those traditions are and then stick it into the invitations.
It would kill two (three?) birds with one stone; money gifts will be shown as just being traditionally Japanese versus a vulgar cash-grab (surprising how many people will give cash if there’s a viable explanation for it) and it’ll also help lesser-travelled guests to understand what the heck is going on during the ceremonies.
Jeeze, I’d be tempted to get those bridesmaids into those kimono dresses. Or get the bagpiper to wear a kimono-kilt. Oh! No! A Hell-O Kitty sporran!!
Man… I’m evil
Go ahead and register, just do so for fairly expensive items. People will then just give you cash to avoid paying for the high-priced swag on the registry.
My wife and I were married in Japan. We had the choice of either traditional (Kimono) or modern (western style) dress. We choose modern style while her mother and aunts wore the Kimono’s. The party afterwards was something unique to experience. At our table was a stern looking gentleman who was in WWII. He was actually quite kind to me. Everyone at the party said something to us (in turn). Afterwards, the MC (relative of the bride) did some fantastic Karoke and my wife’s aunt did a wicked Hawaii dance. The wedding is what you make it. Enjoy it, don’t over do it and congratualations.
Congratulations Mockett-Soon to be Scotsman wife,
Concerning your question about sake and taking it at the wedding: Why not do it at the wedding reception when the groom performs a toast and cross arms to drink out of eachothers’ glasses? Just replace the standard wine with sake (no ceremony necessary). Just remember to take a long swig and give all the Japanese relatives a photo-op with you both dressed in your best wedding attire.
For the wedding dress I’d advise buying/renting a normal American one sans the head gear and replace the (whatever you call the poofy thing with the flowers in it that goes on the brides head) with a brightly colored thing and an obi sash like this,
http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridal_gowns_detail.jsp?stid=2841&prodgroup=10
only done out in kimono style
As for the money: Go for it, send a list of possible gifts to the “less traveled.”
As for the constant changing of outfits: If you want to do this go for it. I think its good way to miss out on those random memorable moments at the reception though. And please keep your husband out of this. I know you want to play barbie with the man in your life but trust me this is going to get real old for him after the change.
Marie, congratulations, and my best wishes for a long and happy life together.
I’ve no advice to offer, except to enjoy and treasure the day (and if he’s like any of the Scots I know, he’ll be a lot more interested in what you’re taking off than what you’d put on).
Congratulations!
I agree with the above do both register/cash presents so your guests can have the choice.
My background is Chinese and not having been to any Japanese weddings, I can give you perspective on Chinese/Western style weddings.
Most I’ve attended were at banquet halls at Hotels: two quick ceremonies: one in Western style dress in civil ceremony and another in traditional Chinese dress and ceremony. When the dinner began the bride and groom changed into something more managable because they have to go around to each table and toast all the guests.
If you can work in Yoko Kanno’s Ark and Departure, Brain Powerd soundtrack it’s got a kick-ass bagpipe arrangement.
Marie, I wish you both much happiness in the years to come.
Here’s a couple of ideas . . . and I do very much like the David’s Bridal Gown with obi sash. Perhaps long furisode sleeves could be added on to the style you choose. I think white is both Japanese and Western — double crowd pleaser.
Also, I think you could add on the headgear (tsuno kakushi or wata boshi” and it would look great with a white brocade fabric.
And don’t forget your bridesmaids, if you are having them. They can also do kimono if you like, as Betty Woo suggests.
You don’t mention when the wedding is to be, but for me the most quintessentially Japanese style is of course to have things appropriate with the seasons — the right colors, flowers, foods, etc. both at the ceremony and at the reception. Perhaps if you know a local calligrapher, s/he could create hanging posters with traditional propitious characters on them, like “double happiness” or “shiawase” on them.
Finally, a non-Japanese suggestion. We had a “society” photographer at our wedding, and while he did a great job of the formal shots, most of the candid reception photos showed local bigwigs and elderly friends of our parents — hardly anything of our own friends. I would DEFINITELY buy a couple of disposable cameras for each table, with the instructions for the guests to photograph each other and anything else fun, and either collect the cameras at the end of the reception, or ask them to send you a copy of the five or ten best shots.
Once again, all happiness to you.
Congratulations and good luck. My son and daughter-in-law had a beautiful wedding with both Japanese and American flavor. At the church the priest who married them did a welcome speech to the brides family in Japanese. The bride wrote it out phonectically for him. One bridesmaid wore a kimono and one wore a traditional dress. At the reception they had special wedding chopsticks for everone at the table. They also did a Japanese sweet table. The centerpieces were small groups of flowers that each person could take home with them. We also had a table with her parents wedding pictures and ours. The bride changed into a Kimono half way through the reception. Most importantly have a fun day that will give you lasting memories.-Helena
“My American cousins suggested that I wear the full Japanese outfit. The truth is, though, I’m not sure I look so great in a kimono. I found this importer which recuts traditional kimonos into prom/bridal dresses. Something tells me, though, that this would look garish.”
Pfff, don’t chicken-out on account of that! Everyone has a bloody white-Christmas job these days, even lots of Japanese women. Do something different - you have a good excuse. You’ll thank yourself when you look at the photographs. Though I would advise not having the silly hat - your hair should be nicely styled and coiled with lots of “ornaments” in it.
Anyway, good luck and enjoy the honeymoon!!!!!
Hey folks — Thanks so much for all the kind comments and suggestions! I was a little bit nervous posting all of this, because you never know what kinds of comments you are going to get from people, so I really appreciate that so many of you took the time to write something so thoughtful.
(And Mr. Pink, I wish you’d come out of the woodwork more often).
The consensus seems to be to find some aesthetic ways to blend traditions — and I think that’s what I’m going to do. I love the “sweets table” idea too, though if I do that, I’ll be letting down my Mom who really wants a cake.
I’d love to get some of those square sake cups for a toast–I imagine China must be making those for cheap by now?
And I will definitely come up with some kind of crazy hair thing. My hair stylist was so excited I was getting married, she offered to go buy me special extensions from Japan because, you know, American hair extensions are not as good as the Japanese ones . . .
As for changing dress midway through . . . the shallow side of me just loves the idea of needing to find more than one dress . . .
Seriously, thank you all again for your kind wishes and thoughts!
Congratulations, Marie!
The sake seems like a very good idea. Everyone will like it, and it’s fun. The sake drinking done at the shrine during a wedding ceremony is too ritualized I think for non-Japanese.
Why not wear the kimono? It’s your wedding, nobody elses. You’d probably look great.
If your groom is up for it, he could do the broccoli toss, which as far as I know, is uniquely Japanese - if not exactly traditional.
“he could do the broccoli toss“..well there is always an alternative..the Celery Toss..(a rather lewd expression of contempt..).
Marie..I wish you well..
as the First Lady..(of this place)..
(He is a lucky guy).
Hi Marie,
First post here so why not make it a congratulatory one!
I’m American and my wife is Japanese and we had our wedding in the US. Quite a few of her relatives came over and some dressed in kimono which was very nice. Most of the wedding was western style but we did include the San-San-Kudo sake ceremony after the vows and it worked quite well. It was casual and only ourselves and our parents actually drank sake so it was short and no one was bored.
We also had some japanese inspired food in the buffet and the figures on top of the cake were little hina-matsuri type japanese prince and princess. All the US guests really liked the japanese touches. They also provide a nice conversation ice-breaker between the local guests and the relatives from Japan.
CONGRATULATIONS MARIE!
I have a few ideas but I’ll write them in the forum for you. Great news!